What Hurt's The Most
by RadHadder
Summary: It just shouldn't hurt this much. Warnings: Depression, Confusion


_**What hurts the most,**_

_**Is being so close**_

_**And having so much to say**_

_**Then watching you go away**_

_**And never knowing**_

_**What could have been,**_

_**And not seeing that loving you is what I was trying to do.**_

"Sebastian! STOP!" Kurt ran franticly towards his… boyfriend? But they weren't, at least not really. They both chose never to define whatever it is that they were because it simply didn't need to be solved.

Sebastian stood hunched over what was the beginning of Lake Erie. He didn't dare to look up at Kurt because he knew what would happen if he did, and he needed this, _He did_. This thing with Kurt wasn't supposed to happen. They were not supposed to meet each other in New York, Kurt wasn't supposed to see him crying, and Sebastian wasn't supposed to let him in. He kept himself a secret from the world; his feelings were his because when other people know your feelings you were vulnerable. That was something Sebastian's father had taught him a long time ago, and for once he should have listened.

But Kurt _was_ different; in fact he has yet to be proven as otherwise. Sebastian just didn't know why. How many nights had he headed out and shamelessly came back with the aroma of "just been laid", how many times had he yelled at Kurt for everything, but _nothing, _just because he was drunk. He would look at Kurt, the saddest expression he had possibly ever seen, but it wasn't supposed to hurt. He wanted to say sorry, to just hug him and hold him and tell him "I love you" or whatever would make it better, but it_ wasn't supposed to hurt_. Not like it did. Not like something was being ripped out his chest and the walls around him were closing in. So he brushed it off as if he didn't care.

Kurt's face would never change, it had been years since anyone had seen happy Kurt, and nobody really knew why. I mean Kurt knew, but he would never admit it to himself. People would suspect it had been from Blaine's cheating, but Kurt hadn't thought twice about Blaine in months, he didn't need to; he had forgiven him a long time ago and found no more reason to keep Blaine a part of him. He would never admit that Sebastian fucking Smythe was the reason. He wouldn't admit that the taller boy had gotten to him because that would be an open tunnel for Sebastian to run. Kurt hadn't fallen in love, quite. He couldn't bring himself too. If anyone knew of Sebastian's past it would be the older male and he had not questioned him because that was the guy he had… somewhat fallen in love with?

So he would just shake his head and look to the floor while handling the other boy. He ignored his screams, and how the smell of someone else lingered his clothes like loose shorts after a good workout. He just ignored it because there was no changing him, there was no love in Sebastian Smythe's life and he couldn't expect that to change for him.

"Go away Kurt." Sebastian stammered still looking down over the hill side leading to the lake. "Please… please just go." He hadn't felt the tears coming until they were there, but he didn't bother wiping them; he didn't have the strength.

Kurt stayed silent for a long while, wondering to himself if the other boy would actually end his life. He skipped past the fact that he might be the reason why he had held on for this long, no. That wasn't possible.

"I honestly don't even know how you could look at me." He gritted as if he were yelling but his voice stayed hushed. His fist raised to harshly punch a caution sign in front of him.

Kurt stepped forward slowly before taking another step. "bas…"

"Please Kurt, please just go." He replied barely audible.

"How can you do that?" Kurt moves back a step to look dead at Sebastian.

The green eyed boy looked up to him as if saying to 'continue'.

"How can you just not care?" He inhales hard. "How can you look at me, and see how much I care about you and just feel… nothing. How can you look at yourself and not see how amazing you are?"

"I'm a slut." He spits.

"I agree." Kurt reasons catching the other boy by surprise. "But that's not really who you are it is?"

Sebastian nods his head. "What are you talking about Hummel."

"Don't you dare, don't you dare call me by my last name." It was something anyone else would call insignificant, but it hit Kurt like a fast ball at a baseball game. "You always call me Kurt."

Sebastian punches the sign again. Much harder this time, enough to startle Kurt and let blood flow effortlessly through his knuckles. "I promised to protect you! That was my swear to you! All I can fucking do is ruin you, I _hurt_ you."

"So you do notice."

Sebastian messily ran his hands through his hair and Kurt moved forward once gain this time completing the transaction by connecting their lips. Sebastian responds immediately, so used to this. It deepens and the two boys are traumatized by each other. Nothing else matters.

Sebastian finally realizes what he doing, pulling back quickly. "Stop… stop. Stop doing this! Stop changing me, stop making me feel like I want to kill you but hold you at the same time, stop making me want to protect you, stop making me hate myself for…" He stopped himself before he said it, because he wasn't going to say that. He wasn't.

"Bas." Kurt steps closed holding Sebastian's cheek with one of his hands. "Look at me." Sebastian obeyed looking into the older boy's eyes. "My dad used to tell me when I was little and my mother had died… You uh, you live, and then you die. Fate handles everything else and maybe you should just let it."

He enhales.

"Jump if you need to, but I can't stay watch you." He reconnected the lips before turning off and moving in the other direction looking back at the taller boy. "I love you."

_It just shouldn't hurt so much._

He turned and followed the boy off the cliff.

* * *

I meant to add confusion in the warnings but for the review that asked , this was meant to be interpreted by the reader , so Kurt could be headed either way it is up to you which . However in my head, he goes toward his car .


End file.
